It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game

A few weeks ago, my 10-year-old played in a soccer match against a team who was abnormally aggressive. There were two players on the other team who were actively elbowing and shoving our players to the ground, and they were doing so when they were sure the ref wasn’t looking. It was purposeful, ill-intended, behavior. As parents, we are not allowed to say anything to the referee, so we found ourselves in the dilemma of wanting to protect our children from harm, while also following the rules. What I heard from our parents on the sidelines reminded me that what we teach our kids about how to play sports is a perfect analogy for how we want them to lead with integrity in other interactions in their lives:

“Don’t play dirty, just use your skill. That’s how you play soccer.” 

“Match that pressure.” 

“Great passing! Way to stay with it! Play your game!”

They focused on positive feedback every time one of their kids made a thoughtful decision, or used a skill effectively, or didn’t let another player knock them down, but stood their ground defensively.

Our kids won their game 5-0. It was a sweet victory against a team with two players who were insistent on using aggression and dirty play rather than relying on their own skills. But the victory that day felt less about the score and more about the fact that our players learned that how you play matters more than the outcome itself. 

I think what felt most surprising that day, was not necessarily that there were 10 year olds who were so aggressive, but the fact that their adults did not seem to be discouraging this behavior. Their coach was not benching them, and their parents were not reminding them to play within the rules. I thought we as parents were all using the same rule book of teaching fair play. But I have even watched parents at other games cheering their kids on when they throw our kids to the ground. 

We have the unfortunate experience of living in a time when adults in the highest positions of power seem to be embracing the mindset of win at all costs. The tactics used in 10-year-old aggressive soccer are actually eerily similar to those often used by politicians. Many of us have seen the pattern of disgraceful, dirty play, repeating itself ad nauseam. 

Misinformation. Deliberate chaos. Intimidation and aggression. Claims of victimization. When aggressive 10-year-olds want to get away with foul play, they will often claim that it was the other player who took an illegal shot. They “flop,” feigning injury at the hands of an opposing player, to get the call in their favor. This is the same climate in which we voters are meant to discern the truth. And while many people accurately see these as distraction techniques, they are also unfortunately incredibly effective. They force their opponents to defend themselves, clear up the confusion and chaos, rather than doing the truly important work of making positive change or running a positive campaign. Finally, this foul play is also incredibly effective at dividing people.

One of the questions I asked candidates in our local election is,“how can schools foster critical thinking in a polarized political climate in which facts are not easily identified or valued?” All of the local candidates admitted that this was a very difficult question. In this increasingly frightening political moment, most people I know actively stay away from trying to discern what is happening in the world, a mental health strategy that, as a psychologist and therapist, I completely understand. And: as an activist who is working to foster and create a better world, I also want to urge you to stay engaged. Many of us believe the national conversation is out of our hands — and maybe it is. But what happens right in our own communities is entirely within our reach . 

I think one of our responsibilities as voters and as community members, whether it is voting for the next state senator, the next U.S. president, or the next representative of local office, is to understand the facts and seek to elect people with the characteristics and behaviors that will support the world we want to live in.   

Local elections matter more than you might think. We have the power to change our local culture, where competition and the “win at all costs” mentality will either be replaced or reinforced. If we want something worth handing down, the shift has to begin with us, and it has to begin now. 

Holliston’s town elections are on May 19th. As you research the candidates, here are three things to focus on to make sure you vote in a way that supports that future we are working toward: 

First, understand the facts.

Fortunately, in the context of a small town like ours vs on a national stage, the facts are easier to keep straight. If you find yourself encountering conflicting statements about an official process, what a committee voted on or how its members voted, or what the town’s bylaws say, those are things you can easily confirm. Every Holliston meeting is recorded and shared publicly via the Holliston Cable Access YouTube page and minutes are posted after every meeting. You can watch committees take votes, watch representatives interact with community members, and listen to public comments. If you have questions about a process or bylaw, you can contact Holliston Town Hall or visit the town’s website.  

Second, do your research on the candidates. 

In Holliston, candidates share information about themselves via interviews, public forums, campaign websites, newspaper articles, and Facebook pages. Spend the time to learn about each person and also watch how they conduct themselves. How does a candidate stay on message, share their platforms and ideas, while also fending off misinformation campaigns and unfair play? The answer to look for is the same one we give to kids on the field: we tell them to play their game, to match the pressure but to take the higher road. One of the biggest differences between a local election and a national one is that we actually have access to the candidates! You can attend meetings, forums, or even reach out directly if you have questions.

Third, hold people accountable. 

How a person behaves in an election matters. It is an indicator of how they intend to use their seat of power if they are fortunate enough to earn it. For incumbents who are asking to be re-elected, you can observe how they have served in the past. A person’s behavior in relationship to power is critical to discerning if they have the intentions and skills to use that power to dismantle systems of oppression, or maintain them. When you look at your candidates — and your current leaders — notice how they show up in their relationship to power, either their own or others’. Do they use their platform to include or to shut down? Do they share power or hoard it? Do they protect power even when it is behaving badly, or do they hold it accountable? When relationships experience conflict, how do they repair? Do they make space for other voices, or do they center their own? 

Creating the world we are working toward

Our current systems and structures are hierarchical and competitive, and they are designed to protect and keep power where it currently lies. A future where all voices are valued, regardless of status, gender, race, religion, institutional connections, money, citizenship, etc., is one of connection, collaboration, and shared power. For elected officials, this translates into leaders who are willing to self-reflect on how they may be unintentionally perpetuating the very systems we intend to dismantle. We need leaders who recognize feedback as an opportunity to learn more; leaders who will listen with the possibility of changing their mind; leaders who have the strength to admit what they don’t know. 

Representation of diverse and marginalized voices in leadership positions is crucial. AND and it is essential to recognize marginalized people can still cause harm by protecting and hoarding power. We have seen women and people of color within the current presidential administration doing this very thing and we know that women protect male abusers all of the time. 

People can also have good intentions and still miss the mark and cause harm, because belief is not the same as practice. People can have done lots of learning, but still cause harm, because knowledge is not the same as transformation. Finally, people can even have done some really excellent things, and can still cause harm in other ways. It is hard to see invisible systems of oppression when we have been taught to ignore and uphold them. (Nikki Blak, Interrupting Business as Usual)

In order to stay engaged in creating a world, and a community, where all people have access, we have to remember that it is not about us. We have to let our egos go and listen. And when we feel attacked, rather than becoming defensive, we need to respond with curiosity.  

At the end of the day, one of the main differences between running a national campaign vs a local one is that in a local campaign, we are actually neighbors. Our kids play on the same sports teams; we see each other at town events; and if we are interested in public service, we are likely to serve together in the future in one way or another. This makes it all the more important to create a culture of collaboration rather than division. 

In the end, it's the same lesson we were teaching on that soccer field: how you play the game matters more than whether you win or lose. The people we put in charge of building this community should already know what our kids are still learning.